Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You





I saw a link to this movement and despite it being an old one--looks like it first hit about a year ago--it really spoke to me.  Bloggers the world over realized that despite attempts to be real and honest with their readers, their blogs still looked a little too pretty to be a proper reflection of who they were; what kind of life they really lived.

So they came up with this idea.  Tons of people got involved and bared their souls on their blogs, making a list of the things they hid from their readers--things that would show who they really were, what they struggled with in their lives, things that made them human.

Given the nothing-is-off-the-table attitude of Jill of all Trades, I thought this was a remarkably sharp idea.  There are all kinds of things I'm not afraid to talk about on this blog, as you all know--from genitalia to desperation.

Sometimes both.


But there are certain subjects I avoid, almost without even realizing it, because I'm afraid to let the world see them.

Here's the thing...isn't that what makes a true human connection?  The internet is covered from end to end with genitalia and desperation.  It's always nice to hear someone is thinking what you're thinking, but it's not a real human connection if you don't see what makes the other person unique and interesting and capable of failure and sadness and embarrassment. 

So here I am, guys.  Here are some things I'm afraid to tell you:


-I have been sexually assaulted more than once.  I've never reported anyone.  I still struggle with the trauma as well as the responsibility--should I have told?  Would that help prevent further victims?

-I struggle with a wide array of health problems (it runs in my family) and I'm terrified that if I talk about it, people will think I'm a hypochondriac and/or tiresome.

-Sometimes when I don't write a post for a while it's not because I've been busy.  It's because I go through depressive spurts where I don't think I'm funny.

-I am an overall anxious person, but I seem to have a particularly strong social anxiety.  I'm bad and awkward in like...90% of social situations.  I think a lot of it has to do with being raised so fucking religious, because my paranoia that people were constantly judging all my tiny quirks wasn't unfounded back then--a lot of them actually were.  It's hard to learn not to give a fuck when your whole life has been training you to give an overly large number of fucks, about every single goddamn thing you do.

-I am horrible in fights.  I get defensive and deflective and childish.  I have been known to stomp my feet like a little kid.  I am constantly torn between being mature and kind but not standing up for myself, and being tough but acting like a brat.  I was never free to argue or to be defiant or even to feel angry when I was growing up, and therefore I never learned how to handle arguments.  I'm terrified of them and avoid them like my life depends on it because I'm so afraid of that feeling of being beaten down and sent home with your tail between your legs--even if you were completely in the right in the first place.  I'd love to be patiently, calmly strong.  To stand up for myself quietly and respectfully.  But I find that the instant I feel tension in a conversation, my adrenaline shoots through the roof, my anxiety kicks in, and I defend myself against any and all perceived attacks--real or not.  It's stupid.  And it usually means I'm the one who ends up apologizing for the most by the end, even if my side was perfectly valid in the beginning, because in sticking up for myself I act like an asshole.  It's a problem.  I feel like a 15-year-old.



There's my soul.  Anxious, heavy, a little exhausting.  But out of it comes this quirky sense of humor and perspective on life that makes Jill who she is.  I'd like Jill to be someone who not only makes you laugh, but also makes you feel a little less alone.


"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."        -Marilyn Monroe

I like how unique this photo is--she looks like a person, not like a sex doll.








2 comments:

  1. Wow, thank you for sharing! I really admire your honesty - it's hard to reveal certain things about ourselves as bloggers, despite wanting to show how open and relateable we are!!
    Your post ALMOST makes me want to do the same on my blog. But NOT QUITE :) You're brave - awesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! You could do it if you wanted to. :)

      Delete

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