Thursday, January 3, 2013

Watch Shakespeare in Love With Me.

As I write this, my good readers, I am forcing myself for the first time to watch Shakespeare in Love.  I will share with you my impressions as I go.



1. Shakespeare looks like a mega-douche.

Am I right?


2. They make Queen Elizabeth look like some disgusting idiot.  Which she was not.  To be sure, she knew how to be rude and raunchy with the men, and that's why they liked her, but she was also known for being elegant and clever.  I'm just saying.

3. Colin Firth?  Really?  I mean...I already thought this was below some of the other actors, but motherfucking Mr. Darcy is in this?  And....holy shit...is that a woman's pearl earrring?

It certainly appears to be. How manly and sexy of you, Colin.


4. Does Shakespeare EVER button up his shirt all the way?

This is the whole movie.


5. OH MY GOD THE BAD GUY JUST CALLED THEM DREGS.  Like in Batman Beyond.

6. Good GOD is that Ben Affleck?  This just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

7. Lol Gwyneth Paltrow is all "No, Colin Firth, I don't want to move to Virginia with you.  That sounds like it would suck so hard."  And I'm like oh that's great, since that's where we're moving in a month.

8. This is so ridiculous.  How could he not realize it's her?

Duh.


9. Dude.  Gwyneth Paltrow has some NICE boobs.

                   (Sorry guys, no picture here. I have better taste than that.)

10. It's not pronounced how people think.  It's not Ju-li-ET, it's JU-li-et.  The first is more French, as if it were spelled Juliette.  It's such a common misconception that I usually wouldn't complain about it, but this is a movie ABOUT the play, set in the time of it's writing.  It's kind of a significant oversight.

11. Okay, the introduction of the queen was less than flattering, but Dame Judi Dench redeems her well.  She is played as a sharp, clever woman which to me seems much more fitting.



12. Ewwww the actor from the other theater, Burbage, wears those pantaloons that have the package encasement in the front, like the bad guy on Ever After.

13. There.  See, his douchebaggery just got the other writer killed.  Shame on you, Douche Shakespeare.

14. This is one of the lamest fight scenes I've ever witnessed.  Is it supposed to be serious or slapstick?  It's like they can't make up their minds.  As a matter of fact, that seems to be a consistent question throughout this movie.

15. If this movie is trying to end tragically like Romeo and Juliet, it's trying too hard.  I'm just saying.



Well that was terrible.  Apparently there was a reason it was free on Netflix.  You guys know I love you because I watched it just for you, just so I could make fun of it.  You're welcome.

2 comments:

  1. Hahaha I think I was forced to watch this movie in an English class in high school. I don't remember all the big name movie stars being in it, though. I must have really (not) paid attention! I never noticed how douchey Shakespeare looked before - hilarious!

    ReplyDelete

Commenters will be lulled to sleep at night by Morgan Freeman, who will also give them free candy.

Spammers will be forced to listen to Andy Dick and Dane Cook argue about comedy while they are trying to sleep, and will be force-fed twinkies until they throw up.