Bite Me. And Other Fun Things To Say.

After a lovely discussion with a friend of mine about our pet peeves and the things we'd like to say to annoying people who embody said traits, I got to thinking about how fun and/or satisfying it can be to tell someone to go fuck themselves.  And I decided to compose a list of such things--partially for posterity's sake (this shit should most definitely be on record), but also in an effort to encourage some creativity.

1. Go suck a bag of dicks.

This is extremely, extremely fun to say and conjures up very different mental pictures for each person.  It doubles as a great conversation-starter.


2. Bite me.

Old reliable.  So satisfying, and so effective.  And gets its point across quite sharply but without technically using any dirty words.


3. Your mom is a _____/I _____ed your mom.

Not all that clever, usually...but probably one of the single most satisfying comebacks EVER.  Especially when you say it to your siblings.  It's just that extra layer of irony that gets me every time.


4. Futtbucker.

Courtesy of Cai.  I think it speaks for itself.


5. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.

This, too, speaks for itself.

6. I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.

This I have never said, but oh, how I'd love to.  Where's Sarah Palin when you need her?

7. Krisnera zhazh tan vred.  Or, Let the rats ejaculate on you (Armenian).

This one is fun because not only is it a pretty BAD insult (I mean really, ew), it's also in another language, which of course makes it even more fun to say.  I'm half Armenian, as most of you know, and I'm trying to pick up a little bit of the language.  I sincerely hope there are lots more insults this awesome for me to learn, and I'm pretty sure there are.  Armenians know how to curse, man.

Here are some more Armenian ones, which I found from Cracked.com:

"Glirit mortin hed sarma shinem" I'll make sarma with your penis skin (sarma kinda looks like an egg roll).

"Eshoon noor oodel chi vayeler" It's not pretty watching a jackass try to eat a pomegranate.

"Kak oudelic shoon" Shit eating dog.

"Eshu Koorak" Son of Donkey.

That is it.

Aaaaand a little something for the road:

"I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change."

Oh yes.


****Update****

Okay, so I think maybe Cracked.com had some bad research, which is sad because they're normally so good about that.  I'm not sure, of course, but several of my relatives told me that a. sarma doesn't look like an egg roll, really, it's made with cabbage...Armenian sarma, anyway.  There were eggroll-looking pictures online, but apparently that's not the same thing,  b. Armenian is almost never in English letters, and doesn't really make sense that way, and c. they'd never heard any of those insults before.

So...you should probably disregard the Armenian translation part.  But in my opinion, "let the rats ejaculate on you" is pretty damn good, so you can still use it if you kinda pretend you made it up.  And you can probably adapt the other one to "I will make egg rolls with your penis skin."

St. Patrick's Day Pinchers--And Why They Should Be Stopped

You're a pretty lady, right?  You decided St. Patrick's Day is probably the day to make an attempt at being social instead of going home and being a couch potato after work like you normally do.

 

So you call up a couple of your friends.  If you're really desperate, maybe a family member.  Like your sister or your mom.  You make plans to meet them at a party/bar/restaurant after work, and figuring you can fix up your makeup when you get there and look passable, you don't go home and change in between.

What did you forget?  You're sure you forgot something.  Oh yeah.  Green.

Oh well.  No one will make too big a deal out of that, right?

Oh....you are SO wrong.  Do you even KNOW what you've gotten yourself into?

Oh yes, my friend.  There are many more like him out there.  And some of them are Irish.  And some of them like any excuse to mercilessly pinch a pretty lady.

My advice is to...well, I guess you could just wear green.  But I think a better idea is to just have all the creepy pinchers locked into a closet until the day is over.

Adrian, The Horny Little Bundle Of Terror

Adrian was in 2nd grade when I was his nanny.  I’d pick him up at the bus stop, give him a snack, and watch him at his house for about 4 hours till his mom got home from work.  His mom was the best boss I had ever had--super laid back, didn’t mind if I took Adrian with me places like grocery-shopping, and actually someone I considered a friend.  As far as jobs go, it should have been the biggest piece of cake in the history of the universe.

But…it wasn’t.  Adrian was insanely smart, with a good heart, and I honestly loved the kid to death--but he was a HOLY TERROR.

Seriously.  Nightmare.  The kid had some sort of developmental problem which made him antisocial, belligerent, angry, and violent.  Physically he was in great shape--in fact, he was the strongest, most robust 8-year-old I’d ever met.  I’m not 100% sure I was stronger than him.  He was such a terror that his mom used to text me every couple hours just to make sure he hadn’t locked me in the closet and burned the house down.  Her words.

One time, his mom called me saying the school had called her because Adrian had refused to get on his bus, and he needed to be picked up from school.  So I piled in the car and drove the 5 miles to his grade school, and found him waiting outside with the principal.

I introduced myself, and we discussed what issues Adrian had been having at school that day while Adrian sulked and tried to break the bike rack with his tiny little boy feet.  Then out of nowhere Adrian points at me and starts yelling, “THAT’S NOT MY BABYSITTER!  I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER!!  SHE’S NOT MY BABYSITTER!  SHE’S TRYING TO KIDNAP ME!”

I could have strangled the little brat.  Thank God the principal totally didn’t believe him.

Adrian, on top of being frighteningly naughty and smart about it, was also an early bloomer in the puberty department.  He was already talking about sex and penises and vaginas with his fat little friend when they thought I couldn’t hear, and my own lady parts definitely didn’t escape his creepy little notice.  One time he kept elbowing me in the boob while we were playing basketball, and he looooooved to wrestle and fight and get tickled.  He also slapped me on the ass once.

 

Thank God his mom had a sense of humor, or I don’t know what he would have ended up like.  If he’d been raised in my family, he’d have been squashed like a little bug at the first sign of raunchiness.

Probably my funniest Adrian story took place around the time Josh and I got engaged.  This is how the conversation went:

Me: I’ll be Samantha Cox.
Adrian: Cox?
Me: That’s Josh’s last name.
Adrian: Samantha Cox…
Me: That’s not what it is now, but it will be eventually.
Adrian: Samantha McAllister…
Me: Why would my name be Samantha McAllister?
Adrian: ‘Cause I’m gonna marry you.

Yup.  He proposed.

CUTEST.  THING.  EVER.

So I think, despite all his shenanigans, Adrian was more honey than vinegar.  You just have to be the kind of person who can get over kidnapping accusations and ass-grabbing from an 8-year-old.

Some Funny Quotations To Tide You Over

Hey guys...I'm working on a new post.  I promise.  I'm sorry it's been soooo long!

In the meantime, here are some entertaining quotations which I love.



"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'"    -Bob Newhart

“Revealing oneself as Wiccan to family, friends or colleagues is often termed "coming out of the broom-closet".”        -Wikipedia

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move."     -Douglas Adams

"Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable."    -Mrs. White (Clue 1985)


"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.  When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.  That's relativity."   -Albert Einstein

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."


Here is also a link which I very much think you will enjoy:

Hyperbole and a Half: The Scariest Story