1. Go suck a bag of dicks.
This is extremely, extremely fun to say and conjures up very different mental pictures for each person. It doubles as a great conversation-starter.
2. Bite me.
Old reliable. So satisfying, and so effective. And gets its point across quite sharply but without technically using any dirty words.
3. Your mom is a _____/I _____ed your mom.
Not all that clever, usually...but probably one of the single most satisfying comebacks EVER. Especially when you say it to your siblings. It's just that extra layer of irony that gets me every time.
Courtesy of Cai. I think it speaks for itself.
5. Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries.
This, too, speaks for itself.
6. I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I just can't get my head that far up my ass.
This I have never said, but oh, how I'd love to. Where's Sarah Palin when you need her?
7. Krisnera zhazh tan vred. Or, Let the rats ejaculate on you (Armenian).
This one is fun because not only is it a pretty BAD insult (I mean really, ew), it's also in another language, which of course makes it even more fun to say. I'm half Armenian, as most of you know, and I'm trying to pick up a little bit of the language. I sincerely hope there are lots more insults this awesome for me to learn, and I'm pretty sure there are. Armenians know how to curse, man.
Here are some more Armenian ones, which I found from Cracked.com:
"Glirit mortin hed sarma shinem" I'll make sarma with your penis skin (sarma kinda looks like an egg roll).
"Eshoon noor oodel chi vayeler" It's not pretty watching a jackass try to eat a pomegranate.
Aaaaand a little something for the road:
"I would have been your dad, but the guy in front of me had exact change."
Okay, so I think maybe Cracked.com had some bad research, which is sad because they're normally so good about that. I'm not sure, of course, but several of my relatives told me that a. sarma doesn't look like an egg roll, really, it's made with cabbage...Armenian sarma, anyway. There were eggroll-looking pictures online, but apparently that's not the same thing, b. Armenian is almost never in English letters, and doesn't really make sense that way, and c. they'd never heard any of those insults before.
So...you should probably disregard the Armenian translation part. But in my opinion, "let the rats ejaculate on you" is pretty damn good, so you can still use it if you kinda pretend you made it up. And you can probably adapt the other one to "I will make egg rolls with your penis skin."